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The Fun Pimp

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A17 RP. After all the play throughs I’ve decided to write some fan fiction. This is not verbatim play through. Just a sort of synthesis of my times playing.


Story begins:


Suns light, my eyes are overtaken. I see my hands but it’s all a blur. Not just the Sun in my eyes, my mind cannot remember. What was I doing? Where the ♥♥♥♥ am I now?


These thoughts are quickly overcome; must find shelter, must survive.


The Sun starts to lift from my eyes. Shelter. Food. Survival. I trained for all of this. I learned how to survive at all costs. My family didn’t care for the weak or the lazy type of folk.


I look around to see where I am.


There is a dead body right next to me! Someone to eventually rescue me! What the ♥♥♥♥ is going on!


Calm. Calm the ♥♥♥♥ down. Get a hold of yourself. You will remember soon enough.


Ok. Ok! I got this. Wait...why am I in my underwear?! Alright...Never mind for now. My bottom feels fine and that’s a huge relief


There are some plants I recognize. I know how to weave these into very basic clothing. A summer on the Canadian shield is finally paying off.


I grab up some fiber and get the makeshift clothes going. As I finish up making moccasins I realize, I have a backpack near by! Wait... this is my old pack but from where... what was I doing before all this?!


I rip open the zipper only find a bottle of water. And some chili. Chili? I really don’t need the runs right now.


Underneath a handkerchief I find half a bottle of... tiki torch fuel? Hmmm torch. I grab some fiber, tie it off with the cloth on this nice oak stick laying near by.


Ok fire, how do I light this torch? I realize in my haste that I missed the quick light stick hanging off my pack. If it gets dark I have a light and some warmth even if just briefly.


I need to gather some wood and make a camp fire. It’s almost mid day. Walking along, I find some sticks and branches. Suddenly a find a very out of place but very welcome obsidian stone. Where could this have come from? I’m in the middle of a forest??


I quickly start fashioning it into a primitive stone axe. There was a good, study oak branch close by. These plant fibers aren’t the best but I figure I can just keep wrapping them if it starts to weaken. Now for a tree...


Not far is a nice dead tree, perfect for cutting dry wood. After a little while of chopping I’m getting tired. That can of chili is looking better and better, even if I get the runs.



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Day 1


My fiancee and i woke up on a lonely desert road. A few scattered cars nearby. Quick searching them we found a few supplies, nothing that would ward off those noises i kept hearing coming from the woods behind me. I found a broken tree limb that I was quickly able to fashion into a usable club. We made our way to what looked like a small housing development. She choose a 2 story house to search while I chose the taller 4 story building. Some water, cans of food. This should be enough for tonight. The room began getting very dark, night was approaching. We spent too much time looking for weapons and not enough time trying to find a secure place to lay low for the night. That is when I heard it. One thud. Then another. Soft moans coming from the window outside.


Monsters...they were surrounding the house my fiancee was in! She was silent though, even though i knew the fear was washing over her. She was being smart. What to do. I found a rock laying nearby and tossed one out the window away from the home. They moved towards it as I dashed out the backdoor. Towards the house. Still one more there! I used all my strength to take it down and she came running out, joining me as we ran down the road exhausted. I looked back for a second and could see at least 20 of those things following.


The next few moments felt like they happened in slow motion. Upon turning back around I watched in horror as my fiancee fell to the ground, a victim of a deadly bears attack. I tried to grab her belongings but the emotion overwhelmed me and i turned to run......... into the monsters! I was able to let off a few swings. I closed my eyes and prepared for the worst. BANG BANG BANG. Three in succession. The rooftop. Two people, one with a rifle, saved me. I ran back over to my fiancees body, she was barely breathing but still alive. I ripped up some cloth and made a makeshift splint to tie around her leg. Carefully I lifted her and we slowly made our way through the road to the 2 people who had saved us.


"Good thing we were here" he said. "We have a place close by. We can get you fixed up, watch her for the night and you can have some food. You do not want to be out here at night". He extended his hand and we all walked off towards our saviors camp.


To this day we fight alongside our new friends, strengthening walls, going on scavenge runs. I cant tell you how many stories we have. But the first one, the first one will always be the one that mattered to me the most. It was the day we saw that humanity was still alive, and hope could still be had...


I realize this is an old post, but jeeez, I was really getting into this story! LOL

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I am between jobs after the D7 horde and had taken a job from Trader Joel (nice amicable fella he is). I am chugging along on my spanking shiny new motorbike heading almost 3 klicks out from my 'home area'. Well, I looted dang near everything I saw along the way (TWO small engines and 3 meat stews from two cars!) and about 200 meters from the location to pick up the package, I pulled out my small chest and hammered it up on a wrecked building's wall. I am stuff it full (including wedging the scooter in) when a posse of zees attack me without warning. Raining blows from my iron bound club, I start getting tired. As I switch to the shotgun (oh so few rounds!) I get hit hard by a tourist zee and get stunned and bleeding out. I am unable to reach for the bandage I have. BANG, pumpo the action, BANG! Lather rinse repeat as they used to say. Well as I am down to the last two shells, two zees lurch up from the bloody carnage pile and I hear the dreaded screech of an infected vulture. I wildly back-pedal and raise the gun and back into something. I MISSED that dang chicken and died.

I still hear the theme song in my head tapering off to a wah- wah of a slide trombone....

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  • 2 weeks later...

So this was a long time ago. My uncle and I were looting a building, and of course he was making TONS of noise. He was pretty new, as up until then he'd stayed indoors while I did all the scavving, but I needed help carrying some supplies back from a cache I'd hidden. I was crouched on the roof sorting loot, and he comes running up as I hear a loud resounding BANG of a sniper rifle from road in front of the building.


I crawl over to my uncle, and sure enough, he's dead. We came unarmed to maximize our carrying capacity, so all I had was an iron pickaxe. I knew the guy would come to loot though, so I got hidden behind a corner near my uncle's body and waited. Sure enough, here he comes running out and opens my uncle's bag. I snuck up behind him and planted 3 quick hits with that pick right to the guys' head. I'd lost my uncle, who never hurt anyone, but I made sure this guy wouldn't be hurting anyone else.


Plus I got a purple sniper rifle! :D

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  • 1 month later...

I don't know what it is with those zombies... They keep evolving, changing, as if someone is controlling them and teaching them how to attack. Crazy thought, I know. It just seems like every few weeks, they learn something new. A few hordes back, all they seemed to know was to walk towards our smell. We'd built a base on stilts with some bars beneath us. Those silly zombies just ran around underneath, not knowing how to get to us. But now, they seem to know the fastest rout. They're zombies, their brains shouldn't be able to learn anything new. Yet, they do... They keep changing attack patterns and when we find new ways to keep them away, they learn new ways to get to us. Really, who's the zombie trainer that knows how to teach these brainless things new tricks? I heard stories of him/her, a member of the group that started this zombie apocalypse. I think it was... The Funny Pimps or something like that. They started this whole epidemic. This small group of evil men and women just watches us get eaten by zombies, laughs when we fall through a fall trap that they set up in the zombie infested buildings, and makes sure that we only get Sham sandwiches when we beg out loud for a meat stew while opening Shamway crates.

I can't stand this anymore. Today, I'm going to raid the TFP headquarter. Wish me luck!

Oh look, a land mine! A nice guy I met told me that I could wrench these and pick them up, maybe I could use it when I raid TFP!


The End

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  • 3 months later...

Back in the day before sleepers, when cities were full of zombies, me and my friend were kinda new to the game and went looting the city in afternoon. Being the dumb aspects of greed we are, we overstayed our welcome and caught a horde few ingame minutes before dusk. Thinking we are masters of the world, we fought them to get some more juicy loot from their corpses. For a while. Then night happened. We almost s*** ourselves.


We ran into prefab and Horde, growing bigger from all the Zs we met while running around like headless chickens, followed. We broke in and started taking stairs, barricading them behind us with everything we had at hand. Wood frames, parts of sofas, chairs. Scary stuff. When we got to last floor, we broke into one appartment and hide ourselves in bathroom, looking at door, having together one 9mm with one clip and two bows with total of like 10 arrows.


Fun time. 10/10 would love to be stressed out by this game like this again. Looking foward to return of (un)living cities!

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This was back in Alpha 13.6. I remember posting a thread about it. It's one of the many survival moments that have stuck to my brain ever since I played this game for the 1st time.


I was in the middle of a relatively small plains area, surrounded by a medium sized maple forest, complemented with a couple of patches of burnt forests. A week had almost passed as I built my home, protected with some wooden walls I had erected around it. Being the totally awesome, experienced, badass zombie slayer I was, survival wasn't much of a hard task. Every morning I would scavange the outskirts around my base, raid each and every shelter I could find for some food and resources and rid the world of any walking corpses that got in my way, then come back and work on my base during nighttime. Rinse and repeat.


The problem emerged when I ran out of resources and all the local points of interest had been completely ransacked empty by me. I decided to explore further away to find more things, but that's when I quickly discovered that the whole area was completely surrounded by snow. All around the outskirts of the maple forest were completely frozen, even half the city hub was covered in ice.


Despite the obvious danger, I had no choice. I gathered my weapons, I made half of the hide armor kit and half cloth armor kit and ventured into the frozen Hell in front of me. Luckily, not that far away was a small infested town in the middle of the snowy forest that could provide me some food, so I decided to hide there overnight and come back home next morning. Bad idea.


Unexpectedly, the sky went cloudy and a storm was on its way. I was casually looting a house and killing its undead, icy residents when the downpour commenced. Despite the fact that getting soaked wet in a snowy place was obviously inconvenient, I stuck with my plan. When nighttime came, I decided to crash at a nearby police station. I built a couple of campfires to keep myself warm. Needless to say, it wasn't enough.


A few hours into the night, my hypothermia was about to enter 3rd stage. I was dying of hunger, and I had quite a bit of snowy area to cross before getting home. I had no choice, and I decided to make a run for it. There I am soaking wet, starving and dying of hypothermia in a snow forest during the night, running away and being chased by those putrid bastards. I managed to lose them, just as I had reached stage 3, and couldn't run anymore. I kept walking forward, and I sighted in relief as morning came. Too bad a couple lumberjacks noticed me at the same time.


I had a spiked club, and to this day I still don't know how I managed to hit and stun one of them, kill the other one, and finish the former one off without dying. They got some good hits on me, and I was bleeding. I had ran out of meds when I finally stepped back into the plains area.


I decided snow = bad, so I crashed at my place surviving off the land and the gifts brought from the straggling hordes; and after almost dying at horde night too (that's a different tale for another day), I finished off a random crawler I found and looted his corpse. He had a damn puffer coat.


The end.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 months later...

Day 19:


Did a bunny hop (pressed C) on my bike at the top of the hill and glitched all over the world, riding my bike like I was standing on the seat. I logged out and when I restarted the game, my hotbar was completely empty but no backpack anywhere on the map.


Cool story bro

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  • 2 months later...

I probably should have died tonight. My modded huge wandering hordes spawned (I checked in console) 90 zombies which stood on the single block entrance to my mine and dug down. I was desperate, being battered, and let a grenade go at my feet. I reckoned I'd probably survive and might have a chance to escape afterwards.


I'm guessing there were so many zombies in that small space with me that my grenade, and I, dropped through the world.


The grenade did not go off, and i god moded to the surface (I couldn't fit myself back in the mine as it was filled with undead).


On the surface I dealt with the remainder of the horde (about fifty) then dropped grenades into the mine until movement stopped.


I play dead is dead, and this may have been me dead... but the glitch I encountered I think excuses me from deleting the world in this occasion.

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